I’ve got an assignment due tomorrow (today, technically) for my Art & Design workshop, and as usual I put it off until a few hours before I have to hand it in. I’m working on it right now. The project is entitled “It’s about time” and here are a few lines from the prompt:

 ”Any narrative is based upon the idea that objects, environments and circumstances all change as they exist through time. Time is a tricky thing to describe in visual terms, but artists have devised countless ways to do so over the centuries … for this project, you may use the spatial or temporal medium of your choice. You may work in a representational, abstract or non-objective mode.”

So, pretty loose guidelines, solid subject matter etc. Since you probably already know that I don’t usually finish things, you can gather that when I have to, I like to work small. Smallish paper/canvas allow me to come closer (in my opinion) to getting the most done with the least effort. The combination of pencils and tortillons has always been favorite medium, but oddly enough I hadn’t utilized them for this class yet. So I figured now would be as good a time as any. 

When our professor explained this project to us, and I woke up after the slideshow was over, I knew I wanted to draw bones. I’m in love with my anatomy books, I’m making bones out of cardboard for my sculpture class, and I figured this would be a nice way to keep some continuity going. I love a good theme. Now, at the time, I thought a few small (but hopefully meticulously rendered) femurs and humeri that showed a lot of time was put into them would be enough. But a few hours ago when I started to work on it, the idea was so boring it repulsed me. Probably because of my long-standing hate for still life drawing instilled in me by high school. I decided I needed a face. I love drawing faces, believe it or not. And you know what’s both bones and a face? A skull! A human skull. Hooray, boring art homework, consider yourself set in motion! 

I felt bad for copping out on the size of my original idea, so I did what I never do and started big(ish). 18” x 24” might as well be a mural considering the dimensions I usually confine myself to. I pulled out the sketchpad and got my supplies out. laid them all beside me (literally the only way to prepare for this) but you know what I didn’t prepare for? Emotions. I’ve been under a lot of stress lately. For a thousand reasons that everyone can relate to, so I’ll spare you the redundant list that you’re probably already filling out in your head anyway. Instead of just mindlessly laying down layers and layers of graphite like I usually do, sketching and eventually looking into this larger than life skull creeped me out on a very deep level. Forced me to think about my mortality in the exact same way I spend most of my days avoiding. Just thinking about how given enough time, this is what I’m gonna look like. What most of us are gonna look like, unless you’re cremated I guess. It’s a universal self-portrait. But you know, dead. Which, given enough time obviously, well, we’ll all be that too. And no matter how long you live, how much time you spend being alive, you’re going to be dead a lot longer, in fact: forever. It’s a very heavy thought, or, fact rather: Knowing that at some point, you will be dead forever. And I kept thinking about that as I tried to create some depth in the holes where eyes once where.

Now of course, I realize there was no way around this giant self-portrait, I had to have chosen this. I knew it but I didn’t want to tell myself. And I’m glad to have started it, because for the critique portion of class tomorrow, I’ll have something to say about it besides “I don’t know, I just wanted to draw this.” 

It feels nice though, you know, contemplating death. You don’t have to avoid any hovering negative thoughts for a while, because just being alive feels so great in comparison to the alternative. Plus, I feel like we spend most of our time straight-faced or borderline frowning, but the boney, pure, skulls inside of us? Smiling. No choice but to. Isn’t it nice knowing that at some point, you’ll be smiling forever?  

I apologize for the lack of any attempt to be clever or witty or at least punny here, but if I can’t be honest with strangers on the internet every now and then, what’s the point? 

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some more time to think about.